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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

My Decline

“Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over. And it seems as though the writings on the wall…It’s what they call the rise and fall.” –Craig David

I still have nightmares about the experience. I pulled up in front of my house, but I could not get out of the car. I can’t tell you how long I sat in the car, starring off into space, but not seeing anything. I trembled silently. I recall being so ashamed. So ashamed that it had happened to someone like me. I felt naked. Alone. Disgusted. Tortured. Confused. These emotions swelled inside of me before melting into a sea of numbness and then giving way to a dizzying rage. My whole world had been shattered. I had failed. A deep haunting feeling ominously swept over me. I knew that this was the end. And so it was.

What traumatizing experience am I referring to? Taking the Graduate Record Exam, notoriously abbreviated GRE. Those of you who think I am being a bit too dramatic have probably A) never taken the GRE B) Are one of the lucky (insert the most obscene word that your imagination can invent here) who managed to score well. So what was the penalty of scoring poorly on this test that tests nothing? Well I wasn’t accepted into any of the graduate programs I applied to and now I (say it with me, blog subscribers) skewer fruit for a living! At the risk of sounding like an egoist, the only thing I lacked in terms of graduate school qualifications was solid GRE scores. It’s amazing how four years of hard work, research, community service, and extracurricular activities can be flushed down the sewer because of a test score. It’s amazing how the worth and potential of a person can be contingent on a mere number.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen the GRE can make or break you! I know of people who performed only average in college and who possessed comparatively mediocre credentials but have gotten into graduate school because their tests scores were good. And for the record, in case you haven’t guessed, I am bitter about it! (I am currently taking deep cleansing breaths—ah much better.) The GRE marked the beginning of my decline.

So now I blog as an attempt to capture in words the utter humiliation of my fall from grace. I am reminded of my tests score whenever I put on my uniform. I hate wearing a uniform. It is my metaphorical "letter A." I hate responding to the recurring question “so what do you do for a living?” I loath the awkward silence that occurs when I answer. And most of all, I hate the “so what are you going to do with your life?” question because I don’t have a real answer and time is ticking… So here I am in my washing machine again. Agitating side to side while barely treading water. Lost in a seemingly perpetual quarter life crisis…

It’s what they call the rise and fall.

1 comment:

"L is for Loquacious" said...

Gurl we've BOTH been there! You are so much more than your GRE scores. Moreover, those scores will not determine your destiny.

At the chance of sounding cheesy here: we fall down BUT WE GET UP! I happen to have it on inside authority that good things are in store for you ;-) Just make sure you remember your friends when you get that first check, LoL!