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Saturday, October 20, 2007

One Prayer To The Next

“In between this am I gonna find away to defeat this…am I ever gonna find it?”--Lifehouse

I am someone who lives from one prayer to the next. A fragile person always plagued by anxiety or some seemingly insurmountable circumstance. There’s never a shortage of things to worry about. There are always things in my past and present that can invoke a bitter depression. Such is the life of this neurotic. Sanity so easily becomes a slippery, transient thing. I grip as tightly to it as I can but I can feel it sliding out of my grasp. I frequently fear losing it. The ups and downs of a turbulent life crash down on me like furious waves, sweeping me away into their raging depths. Will I ever be ok? Will I ever reach a point of stability? Can impossible dreams transform themselves into viable realities? I think, pray, strive harder.

The onerous weight of the world on my back and the mounting pressures of life at my feet leave me disoriented and overwhelmed and yet they provoke a restless energy inside of me. I am frequently, longing yet fearing my own expectations. Exhausted, yet dying for more. Have I reached an impasse? My mantra: One prayer to the next, one miracle to the next. That is how I survive—why I have not yet succumbed to the madness.

But even as I examine my beliefs and worldview I remain perpetually conflicted. Torn between my morality and principles and the incompatible relativists attitudes of the majority. Continuously pressured to bend to a point of breaking: to sacrifice those delicate, world-forgotten principles or to face humiliation and contempt. These conflicts play out in my everyday life. I thrive only from one prayer to the next.

All of these things lead me to wonder at what point will the labyrinth become easier to navigate? When do I get to that definitive “ah ha” moment. That point where everything unfolds, comes together, and makes sense. The more knowledgeable I become, the more aware I am of what I do not know. The more questions I pose, the less answers are available.

But through the chaos, I hang on to the promises of God…from one prayer to the next.

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