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Sunday, October 21, 2007

Pseudo-Christianity

I am starting a new religion. It is called Pseudo-Christianity. It will be remarkably similar to the old outmoded Christianity only it will have a postmodernist twist. Pseudo-Christianity is an all-inclusive religion. We teach that all people are going to heaven, no matter what sins they have not confessed or what god/gods/or lack thereof they believe in. So as not to offend anyone with trivial things like truth, we teach that all paths lead to heaven, Buddhism, Rastafarianism, Paris Hiltonism, hey this is an equal opportunity religion! And don’t worry about learning scripture; just do whatever your FEEL. The Deity of Pseudo-Christianity is a loving God who will love you no matter what, infinitely, and never ever chastise or punish you for wrongdoing. Ha! That’s the old fashion way. This God understands.

Gay? Hey we don’t discriminate. In fact we encourage you to continue your homosexual lifestyle because our Pseudo-Deity commanded us not to judge others.

Committing adultery? No problem. We’ll turn a blind eye to it, even if we see you bringing someone to church/mosque/synagogue/Starbucks (hey church is wherever you want it to be) who is not your wife. After all, all have done not so nice things and fallen short of the glory of God.

Atheist? Hey God loves you too even if you don’t believe He does. In fact we have churches that won’t even mention God’s name so as not to offend you. After all we don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Go to church/mosque/synagogue/Starbucks on Saturday or Sunday or heck even Wednesday whatever day is convenient for you despite the fact that the Bible says, “remember the SEVENTH day to keep it holy”. The Bible is a very old book that doesn’t fit in with these modern times. We teach that scripture is whatever you want it to be! Because this is a new hip religion we teach that you can pick the scripture of your chose and exclude or explain away the rest just so that it fits your needs!

Swear, curse, hate, lie, and blaspheme? Whatever! Just be sure to wear a nice suite for worship (which ever day you choose to go) or if you don’t care about dressing up to give God your best, at least iron your t-shirt and jeans before you go to the house of the Pseudo-Lord to showboat your holier-than-thou attitude. Hey Self-righteousness is worth two points in Pseudo-Christianity (just ignore that bit in Isaiah about our righteousness being filthy rags).

No more being burdened with guilt about your sins and the fact that God’s Son had to die a tortuous death so that you might have salvation. That’s the old way of thinking and it made a lot of people feel bad and a lot of unbelievers uncomfortable. Sins, smins! Pseudo-Christianity will not bother to call sin by its right name. In fact in our revised version of the Bible we have replaced the word “sin” with the euphemism “not so nice thing to do.” See how much friendlier and all-inclusive that sounds! Good? Bad? Right? Wrong? Hey it’s all relative!

You do what you do, I do what I do and as long as you go to church/mosque/synagogue/Starbucks/the Nickleback concert/ at least once and a while, know at least one scripture (or passage from Shakespeare), sing at least one gospel song (or one song that has God’s name somewhere in it) and can smugly rub that in someone’s face you are saved! After all as long as there are people worse than you that means you can’t be all that bad? Right?

Baptism? Water? Kool-Aid? Immersion? Running through Mrs. Jones’s sprinkler system on the way home from the strip joint or getting caught in the rain on the way to the rave? Don’t sweat it (actually sweat might also count as baptism. Why not?) Everything goes.

Communion? Hey didn’t you eat crackers to settle your stomach when you had that hangover? That’s acceptable.

Prayer? What a formality! Pseudo-Deity knows your heart and mind. You don’t have to pray.

Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be. Pseudo-All-Inclusive Deity loves you and wants you to be happy. Welcome to Pseudo-Christianity. We make fun of religion!

*Pseudo-Christianity is a proud sponsor of NAMbLA (North American Man/boy Love Association, VHMT (Voluntary Human Extinction Movement), Al Qaeda and everything in between!

1 comment:

Shannon Sparks said...

Finally, a religion for lazy homos like me! Salvation without the pesky annoyance of commandments to obey. Yay!

P.S. Nambla??? Ew, gross!....Ok, on second thought, I guess they're not much different than Catholic priests.