Friday, December 28, 2007
Putting a Little Electric into the Holiday
This New Years will be just like the last two New Years, in that I will be single. That’s not the end of the world for me. In fact, single usually doesn’t bother me until SOMEONE ELSE points it out via a question about my single state. The familiar question that I get when I reconnect with friends I haven’t seen in a while is “So are you seeing anyone.” I have come up with all matter of sarcastic jokes to respond to this question. I’m used to single and have resigned (okay sometimes inured might be a better word) myself to it. But there is something about spending the New Year single that kinda nags me. No, I’m not going to go out and rent a date. No, I’m not going to make it a resolution to find a boyfriend because the whole relationship thing, at least in its modern form, seems masochistic to me. Perhaps it has something to do with that saying that goes however you spend your New Year will be how you spend your entire year—or something to that affect. But I think more than likely it has to do with those horrible horrible couples you see everywhere this time of year. They are in the mall holding hands. They are buying each other cutezy wootzy presents. They are cuddled up on the coach at the New Years Eve parties or they are making out in the streets to bring in the New Year.
You just can’t avoid them this time of year. On New Years, everybody’s dating, holding hands, and smooching it up. Couples don’t realize how incredibly sickening they really are. That’s why in my last couple of “relationships”(way way back a long time ago) I have tried to be as low-key as possible and as respectful to my single friends as I could be, but most couples have not learned this art--the art of chilling out on the public displays of affection and saving that business for PRIVATE. That is why this New Years, in anticipation of the dreaded nauseating couples I have elected to buy a taser! That’s right. So the next affectionate-I’m-so-in-love folk I see acting all disgustingly besotted will receive a little electrical shock (a few volts should do the trick) followed by a “Happy New Years” from me. They will always remember that on New Years of 2008 they had a positively shocking experience. Maniacal Laughter!!!!! SCREW ALL OF THE YUCKY CREATURES and their temporary romantic bliss.
***Please don’t write me. I’m only joking about the taser. The idea sounds great, but in reality those things hurt people and have even been responsible for hundreds of fatalities. I’m not a fan of tasers.
***Rather than buy a taser my plans this New Years are to spend time in an environment where there won't be many couples. Less couples=happier me.