Update: Brand NEW Posts Coming Soon!!!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

So You Don't Believe in Creation?

This is an amazing broadcast. Please take the time to watch it or bookmark it and come back to it. It's long, but it's WORTH the watch. Learn about the LIES they teach us in science class.

To purchase the 4 part series check out www.hopevideo.com. These are powerful evangelism tools so please do not keep them to yourself. Please email them to someone you know who could use them. Also I don't usually ask people to do this, but if you do watch the series please write and tell me what you thought of them. You can email me or leave me a message. Thanks

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Branches and Trees

Those are powerful words. I remember watching Madea Goes to Jail shortly after I broke up with my ex. Those words helped to put things into perspective. See I thought the guy I had invested so much time and energy into was a root--someone who would support and nurture our relationship, someone who I could depend on. But when it came time for me to step out on him--when I really needed him--he broke and left me to fall hard. I sustained some massive injuries. I kept begging him to give me what I needed, but it just wasn't in him. He was a branch, only meant to hold for a short time before breaking.

Which brings me to my next point. When I have to face a decision where it's my self- preservation or someone else I have to instinctively pick me. If I don't how will I survive. My ex made a choice. He decided that temporary sexual indulgences were more important than his 'love' for me and his commitment to our relationship.It all boiled down to my staying and allowing myself to be disrespected, hurt, disregarded, and degraded or leaving. He chose computer images of people who could NEVER love him back over a woman who loved him immeasurably. Perhaps one day he will regret that decision. I don't know. I pray for him everyday. My regret is that I wish I had seen it coming.

Like Madea says, if someone is doing something that hurts you, and you confront them and tell them that what they are doing causes pain and they still continue to do it, that person DOES NOT really care for you. I don't care what they say. Actions speak volumes about a person. But if that person even tries to change a little don't throw them away. I would never toss anyone aside, but my ex boyfriend decided that he was not going to change, and he did not care at all how much his actions hurt me. How can you love a narcissist (someone who can only see their own perspective)? How can you commit to someone who only care about what they can get out of a situation, even if you suffer because of their self-centeredness? Doing so does not show love for that person, but hatred for self.

Every day is an attempt to move past the hurt and betrayal and to see the beauty in each day God has given me. I strive to have a close relationship with God. I work towards excellence in all that I do. Yet I am still haunted by the termination of that relationship. I am still suffering from the effects of confusing a branch with a root. But that's life. I don't have all the answers. But I am growing and learning. That's why I wanted to share this simple blog with you. I implore all of you to evaluate your relationships according to Madea's wisdom. Sometimes, even though it may break your heart, you have to let people go. Just let them go.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Walk Away

"Find me I'm falling
and fooling myself that it's flight
Imperfect I plummet
And ponder
Pushed away on principle...
I searched your eyes for an answer
And shuddered at what I found there
As my skin shrunk away from conclusion
That you lack the strength to care
Walk away and I stare
Would you stand me up again?
Wonder if I've said too much
And we'll never speak again
This is the way it has to be
That you would turn your back on me
And you and I should walk away...
And we'll never speak again
--Mad At Gravity "Walk away"

On August 14th I joined the ranks of millions of other black women: I became single. I've written about being single here, here, here and at least a couple of other places on my blog. I'm no stranger to the single life. In fact, I'm resigned to being single for the rest of my life. I think single is a better alternative than being abused, cheated on, lied to, betrayed, dumped, etc. You see I'm back to where I started. Having zero faith in relationships and negative faith in those sexed-crazed creatures we call the male species. Life is a "sick cycle carousel", to quote Lifehouse, my favorite band. The good news is that the male-bashing, love-hating cynic is back and here to stay! I missed that part of me.

So why? What happened? Weren't things going along so perfect? Weren't you two planning a future together? Well I'm not sure where to start or how to answer those questions. Life is complicated. People are complicated. They change. Perhaps one day I'll have the guts to talk about what happened. I suppose I will after I fully understand what happened. I did everything I could to try to make it work, but one cannot hold together a relationship by herself. It seems men aren't interested in doing what it takes to make it work. They don't believe in fighting for their relationships, they don't believe in sacrifice, they don't believe in the power of prayer to change things. Men as a species just DON'T. They lack depth and genuine empathy. They abhor morality and cling desparately to their vices. I'm much happier without them.

The worse part about the break up is that because of my ex's pathological self-centeredness we aren't even friends. I wash my hands of him. Even after a 2 1/2 year history you never really know a person. Everybody has a darkside, his was just more sick and twisted than most. It would be dangerous to my self-esteem as well as to any sense of intergrity I claim to possess to remain in any kind of relationship with him, especially when he is callously indifferent to the entire situation. He lacks the strength (if not the ability altogether) to care. In his own words he is just too immature to ever change. So to him it doesn't matter if his behavior hurts and exploits others even those he claims to love. To him it doesn't matter if he loses relationships, breaks hearts, lives a lie, or demolishes his already strained relationship with God. As long as he can hide behind his calulated subterfuge and play innocent--as long as he can comfortably sit in the church pews satuared in his abominable sins no one will ever discover what he really is. And you know what, I'm sorry I ever did. So my only choice, however painful and whatever the consquence, was to walk away.

Update 6/8/14 My ex moved back to Europe, but years later we were able to forge some kind of psuedo friendship. I have forgiven him and moved on. From time to time we skype and even exchange advice and bday cards. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.