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Monday, September 1, 2008

Walk Away




"Find me I'm falling
and fooling myself that it's flight
Imperfect I plummet
And ponder
Pushed away on principle...
I searched your eyes for an answer
And shuddered at what I found there
As my skin shrunk away from conclusion
That you lack the strength to care
Walk away and I stare
Would you stand me up again?
Wonder if I've said too much
And we'll never speak again
This is the way it has to be
That you would turn your back on me
And you and I should walk away...
And we'll never speak again
--Mad At Gravity "Walk away"

On August 14th I joined the ranks of millions of other black women: I became single. I've written about being single here, here, here and at least a couple of other places on my blog. I'm no stranger to the single life. In fact, I'm resigned to being single for the rest of my life. I think single is a better alternative than being abused, cheated on, lied to, betrayed, dumped, etc. You see I'm back to where I started. Having zero faith in relationships and negative faith in those sexed-crazed creatures we call the male species. Life is a "sick cycle carousel", to quote Lifehouse, my favorite band. The good news is that the male-bashing, love-hating cynic is back and here to stay! I missed that part of me.

So why? What happened? Weren't things going along so perfect? Weren't you two planning a future together? Well I'm not sure where to start or how to answer those questions. Life is complicated. People are complicated. They change. Perhaps one day I'll have the guts to talk about what happened. I suppose I will after I fully understand what happened. I did everything I could to try to make it work, but one cannot hold together a relationship by herself. It seems men aren't interested in doing what it takes to make it work. They don't believe in fighting for their relationships, they don't believe in sacrifice, they don't believe in the power of prayer to change things. Men as a species just DON'T. They lack depth and genuine empathy. They abhor morality and cling desparately to their vices. I'm much happier without them.

The worse part about the break up is that because of my ex's pathological self-centeredness we aren't even friends. I wash my hands of him. Even after a 2 1/2 year history you never really know a person. Everybody has a darkside, his was just more sick and twisted than most. It would be dangerous to my self-esteem as well as to any sense of intergrity I claim to possess to remain in any kind of relationship with him, especially when he is callously indifferent to the entire situation. He lacks the strength (if not the ability altogether) to care. In his own words he is just too immature to ever change. So to him it doesn't matter if his behavior hurts and exploits others even those he claims to love. To him it doesn't matter if he loses relationships, breaks hearts, lives a lie, or demolishes his already strained relationship with God. As long as he can hide behind his calulated subterfuge and play innocent--as long as he can comfortably sit in the church pews satuared in his abominable sins no one will ever discover what he really is. And you know what, I'm sorry I ever did. So my only choice, however painful and whatever the consquence, was to walk away.

Update 6/8/14 My ex moved back to Europe, but years later we were able to forge some kind of psuedo friendship. I have forgiven him and moved on. From time to time we skype and even exchange advice and bday cards. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. 

1 comment:

Diamond said...

You had to do what was right for you. Things will work out, just dont give up on love.