My blog writing has become a bit sporadic lately. Life happens and things have become pretty busy. For the next few weeks I will be opening up about more personal things than the usually social, political, life criticism that pretty much dominates this blog. Which brings me to today’s topic. Somehow, without my knowing it, or putting any effort into it, or wishing it, or hoping it, I, the self-proclaimed love-hater, stumbled into the convoluted land of the doomed modern day relationship. I don’t say that without enthusiasm, though I am still trying to figure out how it happened.
Right now I’m a neurotic mess. I suffer from panic disorder, which has essentially been a cocktail of mood swings, anxiety, insomnia, depression, agoraphobia, and of course unpredictable panic attacks. The worse part about the disorder is that not many people understand it. They think that I can just “calm down” or “get myself together”, however it doesn’t really work that way. I also am moving to Ohio in approximately six months (provided I have this disorder under control by then). Suffice it to say I was really not in the market for a relationship, but life, as usual, had other plans.
It began with a brutal argument between me and a friend of mine, that concluded with my ignoring his calls, blocking him from my myspace, facebook, hotmail, yahoo, and AIM, and pretty much concluding the our friendship was over. The issue resolved itself when he sent flowers to my house and a heart felt note (I’m a sucker, I’ll admit it). The next week I called him late at night crying my eyes out because of an encounter with the disorder. He showed up two hours later at my door, having caught the bus in the cold all the way from the other side of Baltimore. Then we stayed up all night talking about my issues and all the stuff I was going through. By the end of the night I was joking and laughing and beginning to see a little ray of sunshine. He left my house and went straight to work without even a wink of sleep. Having been friends for almost two years, this guy has seen me in my ups and downs. I have cursed him out, threatened to assault him, hung up on him, broken into his email accounts, drove him crazy with stories of some guy I was crushing on, forced him to go clothes shopping, ask him to buy me feminine products, complained to him about my menstrual cycle, stolen his social security number, and even put a bald spot in the back of his head. Through crazy fights, distances, fun times, and sad times he’s been there always showering me with unconditional positive regard. We drive each other crazy, we argue a lot and sometimes it seems we have absolutely nothing in common accept mutual respect for each other; but that has been enough to sustain us all this time.
We are an odd couple. He a stereotypical geek without any fashion sense whatsoever. Me a wild passionate person with a penchant for shopping and a knack for style. We will probably always have fundamental differences. Our friends don’t even understand why we are friends, but somehow we have a connection. Life happens. I’m still a love hater. I’m not sure this thing will work out, but is anything ever 100% certain? I just hope that we will have something meaningful based on mutual respect, honesty and trust. Should this relationship terminate, I’m praying to God that I can always call him friend, because he’s always been just that—a phenomenal friend...
And so the relationship ride begins once more. Life's hauntingly ironic.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Oh it’s that time of year again. The time of candies, costumes, cavities, and nightmarish fun. Yes, Halloween is upon us, my friends! It comes every February 14th just like clockwork. What?.....What do you mean it’s not Halloween? Isn’t it the time of year where people dress up and pretend they are things they are not? Isn’t it the time of tricks and lies, and going from door to door begging for sexual favors? Okay, I must have my holidays crossed again. These holidays seem so similar to me. They are both phony, morbid, diabetes-inducing holidays of absolutely no meaning. But at least Halloween is a bit more all-inclusive. So let’s all go out donned in our masks of superficiality and eat candy until all of our teeth come out and then go worship the dead or something. That’s more exciting than conversation hearts and watching grocery store-bought flowers rot in a jar any way. Hey with all its obligatory balloons, flowers, teddy bears, and hearts Feb 14 is certainly more scary than any Halloween prank I could fall victim to. So séance at my place anyone? Maybe we can conjure up real love and resurrect meaningful relationships... No, I don’t really believe that either.
Happy Hollow-een everyone : )