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Sunday, November 2, 2014

How to Date Black Men

Since black men benefit from black male dating privilege a) because there are millions more black women then there are men and b) because of a myth regarding the size of their genitalia and subsequently their assumed virility, it stands to reason that there are many women of various ethnicities who are clamoring to gain the affections of one of these prized specimen. This blog is for you. I've made it easy to get with and keep a black man. Ready?

Always be accessible. When he calls or text, no matter the time of day, no matter what you are doing, no matter if you are at work and your employer has a no cell phone policy, you need to answer your phone or respond. I do not care if you are holding the hand of a dying relative, if you want to keep your relationship you need to be there for every text. Replying to "Sup Girl" is much more important than anything going on in your life.

Never Have Your Own Opinions. When women have opinions and their own thoughts it tends to upset the equilibrium of the male ego. Do not make it worse by actually stating what is on your mind. Keep those pretty little lips sealed. Smile a lot. Laugh at his sexist jokes, do any and all activities that make him feel manly. Remember he is your world and you are blessed to even share the same air with him.

Be willing to do all the work. Who asks who out? Who pays for the first (second, third, etc) date? Who drives? Who follows up? Who keeps the conversation going and ensures that he is having a fun time? Who text to say, "I had a great time. Let's do that again." You do! Don't like it? Date another man. A black man is extremely valuable simply because he is not only a man, but because of stereotypical assumptions made about his sexual prowess. So if his first time meeting you is at his dirty garage where you have to sit on a cold metal tool box bored out of your mind and watch him fix his car, then you do it and pretend to be memorized. After all you are in his presence--this may be the only chance you get because he has a steady rotation of other women to entertain. When he finally emerges from under the hood covered in car goo you fling yourself into his arms and tell him what a great time you are having and what an original date idea this is. And don't forget to buy him presents. Whereas women appreciate flowers and candy, men tend to prefer costlier items. Try for things that come from the Apple Store, or Best Buy, etc. 10 pts if you find out where he buys his clothes and you purchase an entire wardrobe for him!

Your body belongs to him, no matter what. This should be self-evident. He's a busy man with way too many options. If you want him, you have to do what it takes. When you meet him be sure to have plenty of skin showing. So what if he tries to kiss, touch, or maul you on a first meeting. He's just showing his interest. Feel proud that you get to be the source of his sexual attention. And never, never, ever say NO. NO is your opinion and we've already been over what your opinion means. NO, is you trying to assert control over the relationship--do that and you've lost him forever. You've been warned

Romance is sex. There are no nuances. Why are you so special that you deserve flowers, notes, unexpected gifts, and other thoughtful tokens of affection? HA! Courtship rituals died right along with chivalry and integrity. All the romantic tripe that women gush about...not happening. Romance exists exclusively below the belt. Most men are not into romance, but you definitely won't get any from a brother. You want tenders gazes and affectionate touches watch a soap opera or read some chick lit. If you want to keep your man, understand what's important in life: sex, sex, sex and more sex.

There is no such thing as dating down. You think you are something because you have an MBA or an MD. Think again. Let's keep it real, you could single-handedly launch yourself into space in a shuttle you made with your own two hands out of household materials and pin an American flag on the moon and you are NOT special. You are only as valuable as a black man says you are. So what you are accomplished. So is he; he has a penis! In this society having a penis is, in its own right, an accomplishment. Follow the logic: penis = worthy, so therefore having a larger penis (even if is a myth) means you are more worthy. Get it? Don't act uppity like you can't date someone who doesn't have a job, has several kids he's not taking care of with multiple baby mama's, or because he lives with his parents. What kind of snob are you! His employment, his character, his past or present relationships should not matter to you.

You do not matter. This is the true secret to success if you are really interested in being with a black man. All those rules are easily expressed in this one statement. The moment you pretend to matter, you've already lost him.

If you can follow these simple rules you will always have a black man by your side (or at least one to share with other women). The best thing about these rules is that they can work well for men of other ethnic backgrounds as well. Happy Dating!

That could be you half-dressed on a dog leash with your very own
black man that you get to share with other women!


MyTwoCents said...

Crystal, it's honestly like you read my mind when you wrote this. Thanks for putting into words the real picture of what it's like for black women out there. You are a rock star in my book!

Crystal Clear said...

Thanks so much for reading and for the kind words.