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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Dear Santa Claus,

Hubba hubba hubba. Is that one of Santa's helpers? 

I have been a very good girl this year and for the last few years as well. And like most people I have a huge sense of entitlement and  think my efforts at being basically decent should be rewarded so I am asking for a huge present. But I don't want any of the conventional gifts like money, real estate, cars, or vacations--although I would gladly take advantage of these if you are offering. No, this Christmas I would like to find something a lot more difficult to find. I want something elusive, rare, and that can't be purchased with money. This thing is so elusive that I am quite sure that it is extinct or certainly endangered. I am talking about a virtuous man. Now, because you haven't exactly been reliable lately (say for the last 30 years), I cannot say I trust your judgement so I have outlined the following specs for your convenience.

1) Physically attractive. Yes, I like hot men (and I cannot lie). But because I am well-rounded, I tend to like all kinds of men. He should be taller, bigger, and stronger than I am, but I don't have any illusions of him being Adonis-like.  Bonus if he is from another country and has a sexy accent!

2) Employment. Yes, he should have a job. What kind of job? While I'm partial to engineers and computer geeks, I am open to dating anyone who has a reliable job and some sort of ambition.

3) No Kids. I know Santa is into children and all that, but I'm not looking to be a mother. EVER.

4) Hygienic. Yes, I have been around dudes who do not wash up, use deodorant or change their underwear. While status symbol cars and lofty employment are not important to me, basic hygiene is non-negotiable.

5)Kind. Everyone says this. Everyone's holiday man-shopping list includes this. But what is" kind"? Nice is not good enough. Nice is how you behave when your trying to be polite. Kind is who you are. It radiates from a person naturally and effortlessly. There's no need for an act. Few things are sexier than a big-hearted man who authentically likes you for who you are.

6) Values. We need to share the same values. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, so I don't want someone who engages in those things. While I want someone who's different enough from me that we can engage and challenge each other, values are non-negotiable. A partying, porn addicted, atheistic, republican and I aren't going to have much in common. Values include having similar religious beliefs, attitudes towards finances, and similar political world views.

7)Smart. Intelligence is hard to define. But someone who has at least a cursory understanding of politics, current events, and culture and can talk about these things in a coherent, respectful way is a must. Intelligence is also sexy!

8) One in a million. I'm strange, rare, and complicated. I stand out from the crowd. Someone who gets me has to be a little different.

Everything else is optional. Hair color, eye color, ethnicity, education, location, etc.

So Santa, any guys like that up at the North Pole? Do you have some kind of assembly line that manufactures them? I've dated too many guys from your naughty-list. I've made lots of mistakes and now I'm ready for something deeper. So what you got for me Santa?

P.S. I do not want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Please do not confuse me with a freckle-faced 6 year old girl with a bad lisp. If you send a hippopotamus to me I am going to hop the first reindeer to the North Pole and I will find you. I mean how many bearded obese dudes in bright red coats could there be up there anyway.

NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Do you hear me! NO!


Merry Christmas Everyone!

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