Update: Brand NEW Posts Coming Soon!!!!

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Shutting 'Em Down

I'm usually quite a nice person, but every once in a while someone manages to get on my bad side. The problem is not that this man sent me multiple messages, but that he demanded a reply. Well be careful what you ask for, because this man did indeed get a reply from me.

We'll he asked for it.

 That is how you shut a man down. (Forgive the typo's. I didn't bother to proof read). I must have really scared dude off, because he's no longer on the website. Oh well.

I have a really thought provoking blog for next week! Stay tuned!

UPDATE December 13, 2014: He's baaaaaack. You'd think that after all I told him he would never contact me again. Well I guess he has a short memory. Here's what he wrote me just a few weeks later.


Update December 20, 2014

What am I suppose to say. I deleted and blocked this guy. At this point it's just funny.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Why I Hate Okcupid, But Can't Really Complain About It Because It's Free

Because I am 30 and therefore obligated to date and inevitably get married, I decided to check out the online dating scene. A few years ago a buddy of mine convinced me to join okcupid. My experience on said website has ranged from entertaining to exasperating. I have gotten so many horrible messages that a month ago I decided to screen shot them and save them on my pc. But the real reason I hate okcupid has little to do with the miserable pool of single men, the tastelessly bad messages (e.g. invitations to perform sexual acts) or how quickmatch restricts you to people only in or around your city. Alas there are other reasons to hate the match-faking website.

First, all dating sites benefit from single members staying single. Translation: websites make more money by keeping members single and therefore actively using their dating websites. Okc actually admits to lying to its users and manipulating match data.  Next, understand that okc is really just one big social experiment: every person on the site is a guinea pig. None of that means that sites like okc are inherently evil or that people cannot find love online. But we need to understand that the system has some major bugs. Enter the notorious Okc algorithm. 

Okcupid's algorithm is a major point of contention for me. In my perfect universe I would answer a few dozen out of the infinite number of questions, indicate through my answers which questions are most important to me and okc would hook me up with people who answered similarly. Unfortunately, okc is much more convoluted than that. According to about.com

"With every question that you answer on the site, there are folks that essentially get removed from your search results, and you from theirs. Unless you search for a very small subset of the site , you're only going to see people with certain markers in common. This means that The Perfect Person For You might have a fantastic picture posted to catch your eye, and match with you 97%, however because of the way the site is setup you'll be hard pressed to randomly run across them, or them you."

This of course supports my theory that ALL dating websites benefit from keeping people single. Why would a dating website intentionally hide perfect matches from its users? Think about it. Okc doesn't stay okc because of some kind of benevolent love for its users. Its stays okc because of the advertising dollars that keep it financially solvent. Lets say you joined XYZ dating service and after completing a profile and filling out a personality questionnaire about your interests and morals 20 minutes later your inbox was flooded with attractive, like-minded people. How would XYZ dating service or its competitors benefit from that? Hey, I get it. I don't mind staying on the site for a few weeks or months or even a year to find someone compatible with me. But I have been on okc on and off for over 3 years and I have not found one person who I would consider having a serious relationship with. 

I love the idea of online dating, but it doesn't always
work in practice. 
Last week I was matched 99% with a very attractive agnostic even though my profile clearly says I'm Christian and serious about it. About 90% of my matches are republican which, while not an absolute dealbreaker, is interesting because I am a prochoice , climate change believing, minimum wage raising, affirmative action supporting, card carrying liberal! Lastly, I indicate that I do not have children, do not want to have children (EVER) and do not want to take care of other people's children. So who am I matched with? Only those people who are gung ho about having kids, or who have children from previous unions. I wish I could set my preferences in stone and dare okc to match me with people who do not share my faith, my values, or my opinions on procreation. I could save a lot of time and so could the poor saps who write me and wonder why I do not respond when we are a 98% match. Lastly, I wish there was a way to account for racial preferences. While I am an open minded non-racist person, several men on the site indicate a strong preference to date exclusively within their own race--otherwise known as a preference to remain prejudice. I am so tired of being paired with white men on the site, reading their profile and thinking we would hit it off well only to find out that they are racist! (Hint: if you refuse to get to know someone based on their skin color you are racist). 

Other issues with Okc include having to constantly update your profile to stay relevant (um so many okc users are busy young professionals that don't have time to live on okc: that's why they are on okc!!!!) the fact the okc tries to use words in your profile to match you (all kind of problems with that one) and that quickmatch gives you a picture and a person's self summary and with that information you are supposed to like or dislike the person (hint: it would be better to use the My Details box, it's faster and makes it a lot easier to weed poor matches out).

So after all my complaining am I going to quit the site? Yes, but not right now A) because aspects of it are entertaining (eg. collecting horrible messages) b) it's like the proverbial carrot on a stick. If I keep running maybe I will be lucky enough to catch the prize. I'm sure the same logic drives gamblers to stay at the roulette table just a little longer. c) the site is free. Yes they are collecting data about me and using me as a guinea pig, while simultaneously reducing my chances of finding love (therefore toying my emotions and my future) but it isn't costing me any MONEY. Besides, Okc is actually head and shoulders above it's pay-to-contact competitors. Sigh. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

18 Free Things That Make Me Happy

I am no optimist and this week has not really been a good one. It would be easy to sit here and mope and count all the things that suck about the world and my corner of the universe. Instead, I'd like to list some of the small free things that bring me happiness. These are not listed in any particular order. If you have had a bad week, I encourage you to write a list like this too.  If you want to add to my list feel free to write in the comment section. Here we go:

1) Kitty Kat Kisses. Anything involving cats really. I like nuzzles, headbutts, and paw shakes.

2) The sound of waves crashing against the

3) The smell of hot chocolate, coffee, or fresh baked goods

4) The feel of the warm sun on my skin. It's like getting a hug from nature

5) The scent after the rain

6) Watching snow fall from the confines of my warm cozy house

7) The pleasure of a really good book

8) The fresh joy the comes from making someone laugh

9) Tasting something new and discovering that I like it

10) Long hot baths or showers after a stress-filled day

11) The endorphin high after I've worked out

12) The feeling of accomplishment after I've gotten my to-do list done

13) A memorable conversation

14) Clear blue skies

15) A surprisingly good movie

16) The therapy of writing

17) Cake (nuff said)

18) You! Knowing that someone in the universe cares to read what I have to say brings me immense pleasure

See you next week. I hope it's a good week for both you and me!

Sunday, November 2, 2014

How to Date Black Men

Since black men benefit from black male dating privilege a) because there are millions more black women then there are men and b) because of a myth regarding the size of their genitalia and subsequently their assumed virility, it stands to reason that there are many women of various ethnicities who are clamoring to gain the affections of one of these prized specimen. This blog is for you. I've made it easy to get with and keep a black man. Ready?

Always be accessible. When he calls or text, no matter the time of day, no matter what you are doing, no matter if you are at work and your employer has a no cell phone policy, you need to answer your phone or respond. I do not care if you are holding the hand of a dying relative, if you want to keep your relationship you need to be there for every text. Replying to "Sup Girl" is much more important than anything going on in your life.

Never Have Your Own Opinions. When women have opinions and their own thoughts it tends to upset the equilibrium of the male ego. Do not make it worse by actually stating what is on your mind. Keep those pretty little lips sealed. Smile a lot. Laugh at his sexist jokes, do any and all activities that make him feel manly. Remember he is your world and you are blessed to even share the same air with him.

Be willing to do all the work. Who asks who out? Who pays for the first (second, third, etc) date? Who drives? Who follows up? Who keeps the conversation going and ensures that he is having a fun time? Who text to say, "I had a great time. Let's do that again." You do! Don't like it? Date another man. A black man is extremely valuable simply because he is not only a man, but because of stereotypical assumptions made about his sexual prowess. So if his first time meeting you is at his dirty garage where you have to sit on a cold metal tool box bored out of your mind and watch him fix his car, then you do it and pretend to be memorized. After all you are in his presence--this may be the only chance you get because he has a steady rotation of other women to entertain. When he finally emerges from under the hood covered in car goo you fling yourself into his arms and tell him what a great time you are having and what an original date idea this is. And don't forget to buy him presents. Whereas women appreciate flowers and candy, men tend to prefer costlier items. Try for things that come from the Apple Store, or Best Buy, etc. 10 pts if you find out where he buys his clothes and you purchase an entire wardrobe for him!

Your body belongs to him, no matter what. This should be self-evident. He's a busy man with way too many options. If you want him, you have to do what it takes. When you meet him be sure to have plenty of skin showing. So what if he tries to kiss, touch, or maul you on a first meeting. He's just showing his interest. Feel proud that you get to be the source of his sexual attention. And never, never, ever say NO. NO is your opinion and we've already been over what your opinion means. NO, is you trying to assert control over the relationship--do that and you've lost him forever. You've been warned

Romance is sex. There are no nuances. Why are you so special that you deserve flowers, notes, unexpected gifts, and other thoughtful tokens of affection? HA! Courtship rituals died right along with chivalry and integrity. All the romantic tripe that women gush about...not happening. Romance exists exclusively below the belt. Most men are not into romance, but you definitely won't get any from a brother. You want tenders gazes and affectionate touches watch a soap opera or read some chick lit. If you want to keep your man, understand what's important in life: sex, sex, sex and more sex.

There is no such thing as dating down. You think you are something because you have an MBA or an MD. Think again. Let's keep it real, you could single-handedly launch yourself into space in a shuttle you made with your own two hands out of household materials and pin an American flag on the moon and you are NOT special. You are only as valuable as a black man says you are. So what you are accomplished. So is he; he has a penis! In this society having a penis is, in its own right, an accomplishment. Follow the logic: penis = worthy, so therefore having a larger penis (even if is a myth) means you are more worthy. Get it? Don't act uppity like you can't date someone who doesn't have a job, has several kids he's not taking care of with multiple baby mama's, or because he lives with his parents. What kind of snob are you! His employment, his character, his past or present relationships should not matter to you.

You do not matter. This is the true secret to success if you are really interested in being with a black man. All those rules are easily expressed in this one statement. The moment you pretend to matter, you've already lost him.

If you can follow these simple rules you will always have a black man by your side (or at least one to share with other women). The best thing about these rules is that they can work well for men of other ethnic backgrounds as well. Happy Dating!

That could be you half-dressed on a dog leash with your very own
black man that you get to share with other women!